Silent fear

Looking through the window, I decided to write about him.

Fifty three years back in Naini, a small town near Allahabad in Uttar Pradesh, India. He was seated outside his father’s shop overlooking a muddy road that lead deep into the caves of a mountain a few miles away. His father owned a small bakery in the outskirts of Naini. While he was watching the children nearby play with the goats, he heard his father’s voice calling him from inside.

 “Zara ek glass paani lana, Bhagwati beta”.

 “hanji papaji laya”.

He was naive, youngest and the brightest amongst his three brothers,

Kamla bai, Bhagwati’s mother was blind but ironically enough had an infatuation for silver jewellery. She was a cheerful and an open minded person, she was the soul of her family and made her children sing with her nearly every night.

 Jeewanlal Nagariya was an interesting character from the family. He was the eldest son and had studied law from Allahabad University. But then he had become delusional with the lies and deceit in the judicial system and broke down one day. He took his coat to the main road outside the University building and burnt it. After this he went to Bombay and started acting in low budget serials like ‘Shanti’ to support his wife and family.

Bhagwati was fifteen when the a tragic and defining moment of his life occurred. His father died and the entire financial responsibility of the house fell on Jeewanlal’s shoulders. He had to work to educate his brothers and also to feed and shelter them . He had to look after his father’s shop and take care of his mother. He had to be a role model for his siblings and hide his emotions from everyone so that he could be strong for them. Jeewanlal started working day and night for his family. He worked part time for a radio station and wrote scripts for them apart from working in his father’s bakery.

Bhagwati used to be upset that he wasn’t able to help his brother in the shop. But he continued going to school and worked hard. There was a girl in his class named Geeta who was very pretty and graceful. She was a bharatnatyam dancer. They had a certain liking for each other ever since they first met. Bhagwati couldn’t help noticing her all day and she used to smile. This is how their love story initially began.Their love story was just like old romantic Hindi movies. Like romancing in the garden, going to the mandir together etc.

 He completed his twelfth boards but couldn’t afford his further studies. He was interested in physiology and biology. He thought of helping his brother in the shop and earning some money.  As his passion he kept reading books on medical sciences and astrology. He read lots of books and also took care of his father’s shop.

He continued reading for five years, he turned twenty three. His love story was still going on. He was madly in love with Geeta. they both decided to live together, and started to plan their future.



 Jeewanlal gave his mother many haircuts. She had short hair and lived her life to the fullest. But then suddenly Bhagwati comes and says that he wants become a doctor. Everybody in the family was taken aback. He explained to them that he did not need any graduation for it. Initially everybody opposed to it but then they finally agreed. He opened a small clinic near his father’s shop. The patients who came for the first time became his regular patients. He not only gave them medication but also made them laugh. He also gave his patients advice about their future as he learnt astrology.

Then slowly Jeewanlal and Bhagwati got busy with their own work so they decided to shut their father’s shop. Their mother had no problem with it as she said that she was happy with whatever decision her sons make. From one mouth to another Bhagwati’s clinic got publicity and became famous in the town not only for his medication but also for astrology. 

After two years, in 1980 he turned twenty five. He had a scooter which was driven by his driver. By that time he became comfortable with his routine he was well settled. So he decided to marry Geeta. But love marriage was considered a sin at that time. He informed his elder brother boldly that he wanted to marry Geeta. Jeewanlal refused and said that it’s not possible as he realised that the society would never accept this. Geeta and Bhagwati were from different castes. And inter-caste marriages were considered a taboo by the community. But Bhagwati’s mother suddenly conformed to the idea of the marriage. Everybody doubted the potential that lay in her decision. But she believed in her son’s happiness. Soon after Bhagwati brought Geeta home to meet his mother. Bhagwati’s mother liked Geeta as she was honest and pure at heart. Bhagwati’s mother felt bad that she couldn’t see how pretty her, to be- daughter in law was. She expressed that she could tell a person’s characteristics in the first encounter. And then she called Bhagwati to talk to him personally and said that no matter what circumstances are he has to stand beside her and keep her happy. Bhagwati promised her that he would keep Geeta happy and take care of her. Within five days the date of marriage was decided. The pandit said that they were made for each other. And the date of the marriage was decided for the fourteenth march, 1980. Just before the marriage Bhagwati went and asked his mother if she was happy or not and said that if she wasn’t he wouldn’t marry her. His mother said that she was happy as Geeta is a nice and honest girl. Then Bhagwati left the room to get ready for his marriage. After an hour people started coming. And one hour later the marriage started. Geeta was looking gorgeous and Bhagwati was looking handsome. They were looking perfect. Everything went well in the marriage. While they were returning, the tyre of the car got punctured. Bhagwati got down of the car and repaired it. Geeta was shocked to see Bhagwati working in a suit while everybody else were seated in the car. This small incident showed how down to earth Bhagwati really was. Then they continued their journey back home.  Geeta felt even more attached to him.

Even after seventeen years of marriage, they remained quiet happy and satisfied with three loving children. Bhagwati opened a school for Geeta as she wanted to educate poor children. Their eldest child was Jyoti who turned out to be a great artist and wanted to do masters in Hindi literature. She was very attached to her father. Bhagwati taught her astrology as she had keen interest in it. Jyoti gave her entrance exams for the colleges she wanted join.

Younger to her was Jagrati, she was simply brilliant in both arts and literature. At the age of fifteen she choreographed dances in her school. She was the jack of all cards. She was pretty and charming. She was famous among the boys.

Youngest to all was Raju, he was dull but honest. He wasn’t that good at studies but was a good actor. He participated in dramas and won awards. He was just two years younger to Jagrati and was in eighth standard.

One day, he was sitting in his clinic with a thirteen year old girl, Maya. Maya suffered from a severe stomach ache earlier, and she came for her regular check up. Bhagwati was sitting and telling her small stories as he had no more appointments around that time. The time was 4 in the evening. Suddenly the girl asked him.

“How did u learn astrology??”

Bhagwati said “I read a lot of books and practiced it. Do you want me to teach you?”

 “Yes, I want to learn, teach me now.”

He bent down to her and said “I will teach you some other time, not today. I have a lot of work”

The girl asked again slowly “Please teach me now.”

Bhagwati couldn’t refuse her and said yes. He said he will take his own birthday and tell her how to find it. He couldn’t take her birthday as she was too young to be taken for all this. He took his birth date twelfth February 1945 and started calculating for the next week. Everything just turned out black. He couldn’t understand what signal that was. He tried it again and again. But all the signs and calculations were giving the same answer as ‘black’. He looked at the girl and forced himself to smile and said “everything will be fine and I will have more patients”. He said this with a wink. The girl smiled back. Then she turned around and left happily. He watched her going down the stairs into her car. He looked back at the calculations and then rested his head on wall with merely any expression. He then predicted his fortune for tomorrow with fear in his mind. Things for tomorrow turned out well. He then repeated this for every next day. When he did it for the sixth day, the calculation and the prediction turned black and predicted nothing. He then closed his clinic and hurried on his scooter to the tarot card reader. He couldn’t understand anything or maybe he dint want to. He went straight to the room where she sits. He looked impatient and told her about what happened. She said not to worry and relax. Mariya, the tarot card reader brought the cards from the shelf and asked him to choose three cards out of the lot. He picked up the card with a shaky hand. The first card showed an angel which meant happiness; the second card showed a knife with four shadows around it, it meant the believer. Then the final card, the third card, he wanted to run away and cry. He felt he wasn’t strong enough to pick that card. But finally he gathered all his strength and picked up that card which showed the skeleton with a dagger in its hand which meant DEATH. Mariya dint say anything but that was enough for Bhagwati to understand. He looked into her eyes and then left. He wasn’t able to speak anything nor had any expression be it sad or happy. Of course he couldn’t be happy. He couldn’t understand anything what was going around and what was happening with him. He did not go to his clinic. He went home directly. He saw Geeta working and all his children studying as the final exams were going on. It was eighth march 1993. Everything was so sudden and unpredictable. He pushed the door open and sat on his bed. Raju came running to him and hugged him and then ran back to his study table. Geeta came to him and sat beside him. She could feel that something wrong has happened to Bhagwati. He held her hand and looked deep into her eyes. She hugged him and asked the reason for his depression. He closed his eyes and did not say a word. He did not think too much and told Geeta “I am going to die in six days”.

Geeta looked at him with wide eyes and gasped.

“What?”

While holding her had he made her walk through whatever had happened.  Geeta looked deep into his eyes trying to see if he was saying the truth. She remained silent and waited for him to speak up again and tell her that it was all a joke. But he remains serious. She got up and walked out of the room to see what her children were doing. She looks into their eyes and forced a smile. Then she went  back to the room where Bhagwati was sitting and watched him sleep. She couldn’t understand anything and went back to sit with her children and guided them in their studies.

Ninth march: In the morning he took his morning tea while reading news paper and pretended like nothing ever really happened. He walked towards Geeta and embraced her tightly while the house was still quiet and dark. Around 7 in the evening he came back with lots of chocolate in his bag for his children; Geeta made delicious dinner. The day went well.

Eleventh march:  He got the insurance policy made and secured his money on his wife’s name. He came home early and took his children to the restaurant nearby; they had a great time, because the children had not gone out ever since their exams had begun. They ate their ice cream on the way back home. Jagrati was prepared for her English literature exam as it was one of her favourites. Bhagwati gave his blessings to Jagarti for her board exams as he leaves early for the clinic. While in bed Geeta asked Bhagwati what was on his mind?. He says nothing but “I love you”. She closes her eyes and stays silent. Geeta hugs him and goes off to sleep.

Thirteenth march: It was Sunday. Everybody woke up late. The three of them were studying. Bhagwati sat with them all the time while they are studying. He also entertained them with his stupid jokes. He and Geeta bought new dresses and gifted them in the evening. They all sat together for their dinner and spent quality time.

Fourteenth march: He gets up early and wakes Geeta up. He talks to her about all happy times together. Then suddenly Geeta breaks down. He consoles her and makes her believe that nothing bad is going to happen. He then goes and takes a bath while Geeta prepares breakfast for him. Geeta holds him tight and pleads him not to leave he warps his arms around her and brings her closer a little drop of tear slides down his face, Geeta begins to sob, he pushes her face gently away and wipes her tears off, her eyes were blood shot and her face was red, he could no longer watch her in that state,so he  leaves on his scooter. He has fear in his mind but walks with a smile in his face; he turns around and looks at his wife and children for the last time while he drives away. On his way, five minutes before his clinic, he feels as if something is strongly pricking in his heart. He tries to control his pain but it exceeds the limit and he loses control over his scooter. The scooter slides and crashes down on the road throwing him off balance, he rolls down the pavement and dies, not by the accident but by a heart attack.

I was born on twelfth November, 1992. I was the last person, whose future ‘kundali’ he predicted.